office...

its my last day at my first job...

yes i did choose to leave and have no second thoughts about that decision...

but then again... there are all these people i have met and have grown very very fond of...

people who unknowingly have seen me through one of the most difficult times of turmoil and change in life...

so different from me and from what i see as my life...forcing me to look outside my box..however big my box might be...

it is hard to leave with simple joy and relief today...

i cannot deny the relief... but then again...i will miss these walls...these tables... these people...

the endless hours of talking utter nonsense which somewhere... somehow slips into deep political discussions...

serious discussions about husbands, maids, boyfriends,girlfreinds, children...dogs...

sharing every single day (except the weekeneds! phew!) together in this space...

we just get used to it... but it is a BIG deal (objectively speaking.. ha ha, i just used the word "objective")...

you forget that you begin to know the way people sneeze...eat...walk...talk...

and then we are all here in this space for various reasons...
constantly judging..disliking...loving...liking each other...or sometimes(most times hopefully!) being immersed in our work and in the passion or urgency of it...

its a miniature human world...

and thus its heartening that when i leave i am sad...to not be in this mini human world everyday... because i am going to miss it so much...

the madness...the complexity...the simplicity...the vibrance...

i will miss office...

and i also feel like the first office is like a good first kiss... :)

all other offices will now get compared to this office and believe me they will have to try hard to measure up...

well... for now...life goes on...

IIFT Dhaba Zindabad!

... and after an excruciating evening of inane nonsense in life... i go to iift dhaba with my dear dear friend(for whom i am currently overflowing with love...)

so ya... i go to iift dhaba to look for my blue trunk bag (the most expensive thing my parents have bought me... coz i dont usually ask for expensive things becuase they r usually aesthetically unappealing)...

the bag also had my planner...much money(not even mine)...two books(including Kafka short stories).. my passport...and my PERSONAL DIARY..

we went there hoping against hope that it would be there...

and then a gush of the occasional warmth of this city flew like a soothing storm (if there is such a thing)

and the BAG WAS THERE...tucked away safely in the grime of the back of the dhaba...not even opened...with all the valuables intact...it was there... and the dhaba bhaiyya handed it to me and i could have hugged him tight and kissed him...

such a relief and there could not have been better timing...

and my dear dear friend...the passionate lover of delhi...gushed about his love...the city... and i agreed...related to it... "the city stands up for you just when you need it" he said... and he is right...

a few more ciggarettes...a deep conversation about 'space' and identity and nice pulao at my 'amateur but brilliant cook' friend's house... the day seemed just a little bit lighter...

the lightness i wished i could send over across mountains and rivers to my lover...

ya that is how good it felt... that lightness...

worth it to wish for it to be shared with her too...

as we know there are few things that are worth sending to lovers(which is why its a pain in the ass for all shopkeepers if anybody is doing 'gift for lover' shopping)

... that soothing storm and the calm that followed...i yearned to send to her... did'nt manage to largely...

but does the thought count? hmmm...

boobs on bikes...

its a dazed and sleepy but not so bad morning...

and then i embark onthe fascinating experience that is so significant to my every day routine...

The Bike Ride...

as a chennai girl aka 'tamizh pesum modern ponnu' (for those who know the language)...
i have been on the bike(and riding it)since i was the tender age of thirteen!

In my glorious tamizh homeland almost all middle and upper middle class young women are gifted bikes by their parents in late high school or early college years...
we still had drivers/boyfriends like girrrrrls in other cities but he would sometimes ride our bikes...:)

ok the word 'ride' so many times leaves one with a strange whirlpoolie feeling na?

What i am getting at is the story of a chennai girl on a bike on the delhi roads...it is a profoundly significant anthropological exercise in the study of 'gender' 'norms','heteronormativity','blah' and blah'. :)
baiscally its exciting and sometimes tiring...

almost everyone turns around and looks at you... and i mean it seriously when i say 'boobs on the bike' coz with a helmet...the boobs become the most obvious signifier of your 'gender' (those single quotes i meant seriously :) )...

i am not even on a huge bike...i cant wait for the day when i get my thunderbird and drive it around delhi...

so everyone to kakajis to kameenas (often the boundaries are blurred) aunties to divas (the blurred boundary thing happening here too!) give you that look...

am not sure what that look means? is it even concious? are they surprised? is it just the fact that 'boobs on bikes' is a rare occurence in this city?

i wonder...

on a daily basis, frankly, i definitely feel like this is part of my 'larger feminist project' and adds to the
self-righteous and over confident self...

and its fun... to wonder what that person is thinking and this one and that one and...
fun also to make it clear that i dont really care what they think...
the days when no one seems to be staring (mostly becuase i am in my own universe and dont notice) are relieving and boring...

and the best part is when you see another pair of 'boobs on the bike'...the immediate sense of solidarity...

aah...'let the boobs on bikes of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but petrol!'

dancing...

and yet again i write...

in the excitement and the relief of having a space which feels private but is anything but that.. and which is 'written and might be read...'as i was telling my lover this evening...

my friends and i were talking about the bombay-the blasts and how the city goes on as if nothing happened... the TV and paper blare with pride about 'Bombay's spirit' a freind was relating a story of how someone asked 'what of srinagar's spirit? is it only big cities that have spirit?'

and then again... do we want to eulogise on this spirit? while life goes on becuase it has to... the pathos of not having a choice...

the pathos of walking into office the next morning and realising that nothing has changed... everything goes on as always... the computers are turned on.. the printers reel off papers... significant decisions about brochure colours are made and we continue with our 'changing the world' business...

but then again.. we proceeded in our auto to the disco... to dance away... to dance it all off... a little like the mumbaikars on the trains again today.. we danced to punjabi music.. let our hair down...gulped down our beers... and danced...

and then the horrible cliche flashes by in the crazy mind...
" for better or for worse... life goes on"

and like a 'good friend' pointed out

"the world bares the burden of us"

p.s. fascinating to note how much i quote others. i must be surrounded by interesting humans! hmmm...

sullen...

we drive to the new office...

slight sense of excitement and the anxiety that comes with change in all those who relate to the organisation... the office...the people in the office...

i think about deep political concerns with organisations and such... {deep= inane+incomprehensible}

and we drive back...i look at delhi...the habitat world...the new yellow coloured luxury bus with only 5 and 10 rupee tickets...safdarjung tomb which they have just begun to light up...the long paved roads at lodhi...the lodhi gardens..

and we pass it all by in my freind's new small white car...

and the one nagging... hurting thought...in my mind throughout...

destruction...bombs...could be anywhere...

and sullen it is... the day...

and yet another succumbs to the charm of the boxed/unboxed world...